The Hell of Hallmark Christmas Tales — 10 Years On
The thwonk of Hallmark Xmas romfare has descended like sprinkles on a sugar cookie by a chef with the shivers. More rapid than eagles these clichéd coursers came, airing even as the first piece of Halloween candy had hardly melted in the mouth. These shows will glisten and flutter, until somewhere after Christmas, like cruise ship romances, they will fade to embarrassing memories.
But what of the parade of delicate characters? What of their tender negotiations with life’s ordeals? What to say about their desperate desires and latching onto local unshaven heart-throbs? What did happen after that countdown tree lighting that seemed to be their raison d’etre?
Using our time machine, let’s take a peek past their final chin-kisses into the lives of such characters, now ten years on.
INT. SUBURBAN HOME — KITCHEN — AFTERNOON
MERRY
Maybe we can go out for some hot chocolate later today.
KRIS
Hot chocolate, hot chocolate. You had four today already. Nothing but sugar. Sugar cookies, yule logs, hot chocolate, cups and cups of sugar. Your weight has ballooned over the past years.
MERRY
It’s called more material for holiday hugs.
KRIS
It’s called an emotional wall.
MERRY
Just for that I’m withholding the “holiday magic” as long as Trump is president.
KRIS
If you mean sex, that’s nothing new. You withheld sex all through the Biden era too.
INT. CHURCH BASEMENT
A group of people sit in a circle. LOGAN crosses his arms.
LOGAN
Uh, Hi, I guess. My name is Logan and I’m a lush.
GROUP
Hi Logan.
LOGAN
I don’t know what you want to hear. So it started with one pitcher of beer, and then two, you know friends going out. And then shots when we celebrated our Christmas trivia wins. I mean everybody drank.
RUDOLPH
That’s true.
PASTOR JOHN
Now we’re not here to judge.
RUDOLPH
I’m not judging but look around. This is Alcoholics Anonymous and we all know each other. Only 1,500 of us live here in Sleigh Bells Cove, there is no anonymous.
LOGAN
(looking around.)
He’s right. We are all drinking buddies.
PASTOR JOHN
You mean you were.
LOGAN
No, I mean we still are. There’s nothing else to do in this God-forsaken snow globe.
EXT. JOVIAL JUNK CRAFT SHOP
(Snow lightly falls.)
CAROL
How are the diabetes numbers today?
JOY
You know, higher, always higher. But I try. Yours?
CAROL
I’ve lost a lot of sensation in my feet. The doc says I run the risk of amputation.
JOY
I’m sooo sorry.
(Pause)
JOY
Hey do you…
CAROL
Want to get a cup of hot chocolate? You betcha!
EXT. CHRISTMAS MARKET — LEBKUCHEN STALL
GRAYSON
Hey
HOLLY
Hey
GRAYSON
Hey
HOLLY
Hey
HOLLY
Hey
GRAYSON
Hey
STALL OWNER
Are you people fricken mental toddlers? Are you ablevoice something less inane, like ‘How are you doing today?’ or ‘What’s up?’ Or at least take your conversation to one of those rent-by-the-hour hotel rooms.
EXT. CHRISTMAS TREE SALES LOT
MYRR
Hey. Aren’t you finding Christmas at our little town of Noel, Wisconsin the best thing ever?
PASTOR JOHN
I’d like to but. . . .
MYRR
I wonder if you heard. . . my mother passed recently.
PASTOR JOHN
See, here we go again. I can’t have a single conversation without hearing that someone’s relative passed, a parent, sibling, day after day as though they can’t live unless in the shadow of a lost relative. They have to tell me, ‘My mother passed,’ ‘My father passed,’ ‘Two of my triplet sisters passed.’ Can’t you all drop that idiotic word. People don’t pass, they die. Do people in Noel not understand this concept? They didn’t pass, they died. Boom. Dead. D-E-A-D. Got it?
INT. SUBURBAN HOME — KITCHEN
KRIS hands MERRY a small, wrapped present.
MERRY
What’s this?
KRIS
Just a little something, a pre-Christmas gift.
MERRY
Oh, how sweet.
(Tears off wrapping paper. She looks perplexed).
KRIS
It’s a funnel.
MERRY
A funnel?
KRIS
Yeah, I thought it would make things easier.
MERRY
Easier?
KRIS
You know, to pour sugar directly down your gullet rather undertake all that work of chewing.
And so it goes. It is not ‘It is what it is’ and it definitely is not ‘It is what it was.’ Time has ravaged these these cardboardian Freudian figures hustling and bustling along the streets of Eggnog Outskirts, Hanging Balls Falls, Tinsel Corner, Mistletoeville, Chestnuts Landing, and whatnot, all now otherwise known as Hell on Earth.
