Roses are Red, Violets are Blue, Administrators Bore Everyone to Tears with Idiotic Agenda Items. Satire

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College der Chirurgischen Fakultät der Berliner Universität. Photo by Abraham Pisarek, 1947. Wikimedia Commons

To: All Faculty

From: Your revered Senior Administration

Date: About two weeks before the semester begins.

Re: Start of the academic year Camporees

“In full utilization of our collective cushy rolly chair, windowed, air controlled sagacity we recently hired the firm Ackownt, Tallee, & Trust. They determined that faculty have a mode value of 2.5 weeks until their first class, of which eleven (11) of these days are work days per procedure number 200.03.3, section 5.ii.

Therefore, we are pleased to announce a series of ten (10) day-long professional development participatory workshops we now call “Camporees.” (Many thanks to our consultant Cynthia Gaumless for her innovative conception and design of these Camporees.) We recognize that last year’s day-long “Orgies” had lower attendance than we preferred due to our opt-in protocol.

As a direct result, please note that this year we have synergized with the faculty association to develop with these fun and festive inclusive learning events, in other words attendance is now mandatory.

Bring your thinking caps! See you there!”

Following is the Agenda for Day 1 of the Camporee. (The remainder of the days’ agendas will be sent out on the morning of each day.)

Please note: Camporees start promptly at 8:30. Please ensure your prompt atendance. (Time allocated for start is 40 minutes).

AGENDA

1. Singing of the school spirit song, twice. Please note, it has come to our attention there has been a possible misunderstanding of the lyrics. Written by our esteemed founder Dr. Phillibus Tweedy in 1895, the lyrics are in part, “our glad-hymn root is once more sung,” the lyrics are not “our admin poop is once more flung.” Mis-singing the lyrics will now be considered a violation of our Respectful Workplace Policy. (10 minutes)

2. Tim Tanglewhip and team (IT) will set up the projector, allocated for 18 minutes (may run long) — please use this time to functionalize and smoothen collegial relations.

3. Welcome by Dr. Ho Hum (30 minutes, may run long).

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Boredom. Photo by 123Presspress. 2009. Wikimedia Commons.

4. Introduction of new staff:

a) Jhohnhathan Aristo, Senior Assistant Undersecretary In-Training, Financial Specimen Clearance (Hillsdale High School graduate 2019). (20 minutes)

b) Daley Maakit-Aullup, Vision Envisioner for Future University Directions Director and Coordinator, B.h.M in progress, Hospitality Management (completion date 2025, part time). (20 minutes)

5. Recent Initiatives Vis-a-Vis Governmental Institutional Compliance at the Fiducial Level (2 hour 40 minutes)

6. Overview of last year’s discussion on the discussion of agenda discussions. (50 minutes) Please hold all questions until future meetings.

Biobreak. Desk lunch! Eggplant and mortadella wraps provided by It’s in the Bag! catering. Note: BYOB (non alcoholic) (40 minutes)

7. Lunch workshop task: Discussion: How can we better constitute success as our gen-Z Hybrids encounter institutionalized discriminatory bookism.

8. Further thoughts by Dr. Ho Hum (40 minutes, may run long)

9. Small group work assignment and background: High Impact Interaction Using Multiple Modalities for Student Retention. (HIIUMMSR) Powerpoint presentation. (1 hour 50 minutes, may run long)

10. Small group speed brainstorming re: HIIUMMSR. (5 minutes)

11. The Office of Recruitment, Restocking, and Headcount will talk about students’ perceptions of bait and switch and offer suggestions to faculty to promote their new initiative “Comfort in the Classroom” or C&C. (1 hour 30 minutes, may run long)

12. A word from Julius Tarman, Deputy of Parking Allocation, C.P.P., (Parking Professional Certification) parking attendant: Implementation of New Rate Enhancements. (20 minutes)

13. Arrival of coffee.

Feel free to “hang around” as long as you like sipping the delicious java from Hill of Beans and enjoying the camaraderie of your fellow workstaff.

Let’s remember, we are all in this together!

Novelist, poet, a post-studio visual artist, and the founder of The Invisible Art Collective International. Recent novels include “Sundre” and “Garbage Head.”

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